memorabilia

i’m an angry person. i think i always have been, but it’s definitely, progressively gotten worse as i’ve gotten older. the smallest slights can prompt me to hold grudges for a very long time. i’m not always predictable though. some stuff i can get over, or at least give off the impression that i have, and move on from it. other stuff i will never forgive people for. it’s different in every situation, with different people. but one thing about me is certain: i never forget anything anyone has ever done to me. ever.

i generally tend to keep things very bottled up. i come here to vent or i put on music or i cut. thankfully, i don’t nearly do the latter as much as i used to; in fact,i RARELY do. but it’s still, sadly, an option for me. the releasing of all the anger i’ve felt over the past four years was unleashed this past weekend. and it was done face to face. and it was really what i needed. it was closure, which is something i truly needed to move on. most people do. i don’t feel different or really much honestly. i just feel burdenless. and ready to start over.

i’ve held a lot of grudges. i still sometimes get really angry even at my dad for things he’s done in the past. it’s hard to remember that he’s just a person with an illness. he ruined a lot for my family because of his resistance to help. but i’m trying to let that go too. i can honestly say now that i really am trying.

twenty-two has been good to me so far. i’m trying to patch up the mistakes of my past and have fun. it’s generally been working. i don’t feel like i need to run away anymore or find someone as soon as possible. i’m just enjoying my life. and i absolutely love it.

i wrote this last year.

old habits die hard and that’s the goddamn truth. some days, even for weeks or months, i’ll have no desire to light up a cigarette. after a certain period of time though, i’ll decide to smoke again. and then i’ll go a few weeks with having to have a cigarette in my mouth at all times.

it’s hard to break old habits.

it’s not really impossible though. it never is. i was once told that i’m a perfectionist living in a world of organized chaos. maybe it seems paradoxical, but it’s the absolute fucking truth. i want what i can’t have or attain. my life needs to be perfect, but i’m living in absolute disorder. when i can’t control something, i drive myself insane. that’s why i need to be good at school. it’s the only thing i’ve ever done and achieved that i’ve been absolutely phenomenal at. doing poorly in school means letting myself down.

some scars can never be forgotton.

i tried so hard to forget everything that’s happened to me in the past. i go through periods of time where i’ll be absolutely content with everything around me and like i have everything under control. other times, like for the past few months, i’ll feel like the earth is swallowing me whole. the thing about habits is that it can apply to people too. sometimes you get so used to having someone there for you, so you don’t have to deal with the acute pain of loneliness, that you forget what it’s like to actually be happy with someone. sometimes it’s so hard to let go because the one thing you want doesn’t want you back and you just want to control it, to MAKE them feel, body and soul, the way you want them to. the worst part about being a perfectionist is that unwarranted change is the hardest thing to go through. when everything orderly in your life falls apart, it’s like you can’t breathe. air doesn’t penetrate your lungs and your perfect world comes undone at the seams in perfectly smashed-up pieces.

sometimes wounds never fully heal.

everything horrible in my life is compartmentalized in my head into neat little clusters. my family life. my love life. the never-ending depression that is constantly pervading the depths of my soul. everything in neat little spaces in the gaps and creases of my mind. no matter how much i try to forget, i will never be able to. all these events, these occasions, these people have left indelible little imprints on the workings of my brain and have meshed together to form the person that i am today. there are some things that can never be forgiven. there are some things that leave engravings on your heart forever. sometimes it’s so unbelievably hard to let go. sometimes it feels like i’m being eaten alive by the memories, licking my spine like a cold-burning fire that never goes out.

thezengen:

Hope this is what you wanted
Hope this is what you had in mind
‘Cause this is what you’re getting.

I hope you’re choking.
I hope you choke on this.